Tomorrow is my 29th birthday.
Despite the fact that I’m terrified of death, I’ve never really been concerned about getting older. Sure, as a kid, becoming another year older was the hottest gig one could think of. But when I reached adulthood and continued to still look more or less like a kid, I had a hard time complaining about aging. I’m quite proud to say that I look remarkably well preserved for entering the final year of my 20s. My perception of other people’s age is vastly distorted, because I look in the mirror every day and see that 28 looks a lot more like …24?
At least, it did.
No, I’m not noticing any wrinkles. I don’t have any gray hairs (I might have had one once a few years ago. My ex-boyfriend said he found one. I told him he caused it. All I know is I haven’t had any since.) To tell you the truth, I don’t notice any change at all. But something is…different. For starters, people are actually starting to guess my age correctly, which is really fucking weird for me.
Even more fucking weird for me: Younger guys are suddenly really into me. I’ve avoided them, for the most part, for quite some time now, just because I tend to relate to older guys much more, but since my return to New York I’ve noticed that the younger fellows (18-22) were suddenly looking really good, and many of them seem to think I look real good too. And yes, some of the boys I’ve talked to online have even gone so far as to call me “daddy”. And to be completely honest with you…I liked it. And I don’t exactly feel good about this. While it’s all legal as hell, I still feel…predatorial. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve slept with guys almost twice my age and not batted an eyelash, but being on the other side of things feels a bit…dirty. Which also kinda makes it even more fun. And then the taboo elements and the guilt trip collide and spiral out of control and I’m sitting here like “Ummmm what now?”.
The timing is impeccable, too, because I seem to be going through a dominant phase. Yes, I’ve always been the “VGL 5’4″ Top”, but I typically prefer to be more passive in the bedroom, and submissive for kinkier activities. But lately I just feel like telling a cute boy what to do, and I’m finding a lot of fellows who want an “older” guy (yes, that label has been pinned on me as well) to do just that. Who am I to complain?
But enough about the boys. Back to me and my age-related insecurities.
In the midst of all of this, I keep asking myself: Did my tour exhaust me that much? Or maybe…did I acquire that much wisdom while I was on the road? (Probably not, because when I wasn’t onstage I mostly just drank a lot. Hmmm… that might be the problem right there.) I still see the same guy when I look in the mirror, and it’s a little disconcerting to feel like others are seeing someone else. But I’m feeling confident for the first time in a while, and I plan to continue to rock it as long as I can.
Happy birthday to me.