In the 6+ years that I’ve been blogging about sex, and the 4+ years I’ve been an educator in sex, I feel as if I’ve watched humans evolve a surprising amount when it comes to our sexuality. It could, of course, be that I’ve become more thoroughly immersed in communities that are more sexually liberated, but I would like to believe that we are evolving at least a little bit, so I’m going to go with that for now.
What hasn’t changed much, however, is the questions that people are asking about sex. In the stores I’ve worked in, on my blog, on social media. There is no such thing as a stupid question in this industry, but there are so many questions that people are still asking me years later that I would think would be more common knowledge by now.
Then the other night, it hit me: It’s because their questions aren’t being answered. At least not by the people they’re listening to.
Don’t worry, I’ll explain myself.
I was investigating TLC’s new sex talk show “All About Sex,” simply because Margaret Cho. (I mean, is there any other reason?) I was hoping for something new in the field of sex. Not expecting, but hoping. And honestly? It’s okay. Margaret manages to keep things pretty interesting, and Dr. Tiffanie knows. her. shit. But then Marissa Jaret Winokur gets poked in the boob with a Lelo Mia and freaks out and I just heave a sigh of despair.
They address reasonably important issues in a fun and respectful manner. But I don’t feel like I’m seeing anything I haven’t seen before. It’s those same questions that I’ve seen in Cosmo, in Savage Love, in the sex shop…things you would think would be hella Google-able by now. But most people aren’t getting the answers they need. Why? Well, unfortunately, you can’t ask a complete stranger for sex advice and get a substantial response without spewing some dirty details, and most people are asking these complete strangers because they’re too afraid to share these dirty details with people they know. If you want your sex to be more satisfying, you’re going to need to come out of your shell a bit…starting with your partner. The first person you should talk to when you need sex advice is the person you’re having sex with. Easier said than done, but true nonetheless.
On their second episode, they had a…erm…special guest…join them on their couch: Self-proclaimed ‘bad boy’ (translation: ‘professional douchebag’) Steve Santagati. I’d never heard of him before, but he immediately repulsed me. The primary reason being that he bases all of his sex ‘knowledge’ in sweeping generalizations, i.e. “All men want a blow job”, “All men get turned on by this”, “all women want a bad boy”, etc. The secondary being that he actually got a book full of this bullshit published. And people bought it.
I know we all want simple sex advice, because we want sex to be easy. But sex isn’t easy. Sex is complicated as hell. We all have different bodies, different desires, different thoughts. We all have our own unique approach to sex. We’re like fucking snowflakes. You will never get the right answers if you’re asking for what an entire group wants, and telling people that an entire group of people wants the same thing only makes people more afraid to ask for what they really want.
The best piece of sex advice that anyone can give you is this: You are normal. Your desires are natural. If you think you’re the first person to get turned on by something, however niche, you aren’t. You may be a fuckin’ snowflake, but you aren’t that special. I say that with love, of course. The first step to getting your desires is embracing them. After that, they become even hotter once you actually get them.